If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
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