I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
I need mimosas to revive my soul
Randomize
