He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
