My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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