At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
