I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize