plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
she pinky promised me she was 18
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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