a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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