I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
