Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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