You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
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