I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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