dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
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