Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
It's shark week go big or go home
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
