I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
So here I am, sexting at work.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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