Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
