When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
Randomize
