It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
