Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
