So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Randomize
