I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
