Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Randomize
