i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Randomize
