fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Pants are for mortals
Randomize
