So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Randomize
