Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
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