The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
