hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
