Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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