Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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