Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
