matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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