So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Randomize
