just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
