i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
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