if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
This is my gift to your gina
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
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