can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Randomize
