if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
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