I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
