i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
