He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
And then my night got REAL pukey
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
