I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Mind blown. Apparently, it's PRErogative, not PERogative. I blame Bobby Brown.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
