Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
