now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
Randomize
