she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
