I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
