if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
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