is your mom at the bar?
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
