im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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