for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
